It occurred to me the other night, as I was petting Sammy and found him nipping and biting at me, that the amount of frustration I experience at his unprovoked, aggressive (perhaps playful) behavior is misplaced.
Having him around has brought me so much comfort—his cuddles, his purrs, his kisses, his eagerness to see me and be with me. It’s been such a gift.
But I’m finding, as with all cats, there’s a split personality of sorts that reveals itself at unexpected times. While I know I’m not supposed to be frustrated or hurt by it, I am.
After some thought, it dawned on me why I’m so impacted. Sammy is my most constant companion and has become the most frequent source of affection in my life. It doesn’t take much to start entertaining unreasonable expectations from this little feline.
Without realizing it, I somehow determined that Sammy must be well-behaved, predictable and affectionate at all times. Talk about an unrealistic expectation!
I feel silly writing about this, a little embarrassed in fact. I don’t want to be that person who’s obsessed with her pet because that’s her primary source of love. I don’t want to be that person who expects her pet to fill a need that’s deeper than any animal was ever meant to fill.
Sure, there’s love there with Sammy and it’s a great gift. I’m not ashamed of how much I love this kitty. I’ll be the first to sing his praises and tell others how fantastic he is and how happy he makes me.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
All I’m saying is there’s a tricky balance to strike. I can’t expect more from him than he’s able to give me. And as incredible as his love is, I need more. I need the love of those who are my equals–whether they be friends, companions, or relatives.
This made me think of parents and children for several reasons. First of all, Sammy is, in fact, still a kitten. In terms of development, he’s probably close to a toddler. Secondly, he relies on me for everything he needs to survive.
It’s not a big leap to see how similar that is to a parent-child relationship. Children are still learning and relying on us to teach them. They test boundaries as they grow and because of their limited experience, they make many mistakes.
I am particularly struck by the dynamic of single parents and their children. If I could walk in their shoes, I imagine I’d have similar frustrations with my children as I do with Sammy.
How easy would it be for me, as a single mother, to place expectations on my children to fill my need for affection? I’m sure, too, that I’d be more irritated by my children’s mistakes or behavior when I’m walking it alone.
We, as adults, were designed to do childrearing in partnership. We were designed to have someone walk alongside us and offer us love as we navigate this treacherous journey of having others depend on us.
For many, that’s not a reality. And for them, I have great respect.
When we have the love of an equal, the limitation of a child’s love and their frequent missteps no longer cause as much angst. A greater love allows us to appreciate the pure, free and full love of a child’s heart for the great gift it is—as coming from someone who is still learning and growing in love.
Ironically, our children’s maturity in love is almost entirely dependent on the love we, as parents, show them. And in order for love to flow freely from us unto our children, our hearts must first be stretched and filled with love from others.
It would follow then, that the love we allow ourselves to experience in this life is critical to the healthy development of our children (and pets for that matter).
That being said, one of the most important things we can do for our children is to prioritize our love life outside of them—whether divinely sourced or from human companions.
If we can do this, our children will grow in love and strength. And, in time, they will be able to return a greater portion of that love back to us as they mature into adulthood and become more our equal than our dependent.
One last thought on parent-child love…
When we are able to love our children free from expectations, we are given a rare glimpse into the kind of love our Father has for us and the enjoyment he takes in watching us grow in this life.
The sweetness of our childlike love for Him not yet fully formed, the humor of our missteps as we first learn to dance through this world, and, of course, the frustration of our inevitable disobedience as we stretch our limits and try His patience.